


The Affair

by Clarinda0110



Series: The Affair [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Confident Katsuki Yuuri, Crying, Dirty Dancing, Eventual Smut, First Time Blow Jobs, I'm Sorry, Intercrural Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Morning Cuddles, Naked Cuddling, Panic Attacks, Power Bottom Katsuki Yuuri, Rejection, Slow Dancing, Song Lyrics, Top Victor Nikiforov, Vomiting, What-If, cannon adjacent, duh - Freeform, sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-10-28 10:41:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20777228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clarinda0110/pseuds/Clarinda0110
Summary: What if-? What if their world was different? What if their world looked more like ours? How would their lives be different? How would it be the same?Yuuri sits down to be interviewed for a retrospect of the career of Viktor Nikiforov. He has quite a story to tell.





	1. We Belong

**Author's Note:**

> This little idea became quite a monster. So what you all are getting is the first and considerably more angsty half of this tale. I've already begun writing the second half, so fear not.  
I have a ton of people to thank to bear with me a bit. My fabulous artist [Dyeingdoll](https://dyeingdoll.tumblr.com/), who stuck with me after swapping stories at the 11th hour. Their art will be featured in the next chapter. (^_−)☆  
My beta's D_Toska and Dachi, for which most of this wouldn't make sense or even exist, for that matter. （￣ε￣ʃƪ）  
All of Angst Bang and Bedtime discord crew, especially Nikki and Liz, who both helped and cheered me on. (￣`Д´￣)9  
Finally, my big bro and sister-in-law, who were there at the genesis of this fic and listened to all my hairbrained ideas. b(~_^)d  
I'm done now, really!  
Enjoy! ヽ(o♡o)/

“Close your eyes and try to sleep now

Close your eyes and try to dream

Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean

We can't begin to know it, how much we really care

I hear your voice inside me, I see your face everywhere

Still you say

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder

We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under

Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better

We belong, we belong, we belong together”

-We Belong by Pat Benatar

Yuuri was sitting in his seat as the crew bustled around him like worker bees. The crew adjusted the lights to reduce the glare from his glasses, the make-up artist added a few more brushes of powder to his chin and nose, and lastly, I went over my notes for the interview. I motioned to the cameraman to begin the countdown. 

When he reached one, I cleared my throat and looked up to meet the soft brown eyes of the quiet man who sat before me.“Okay, so Katsuki-san-” 

“Yuuri, please.” A shy smile graced his lips, a signature expression that set this decorated skater apart from his peers.

Taking a deep breath, I began again. “Yuuri. I’m so grateful you agreed to be part of this retrospective of Viktor Nikiforov’s career.”

“I was honored to be asked. He was such a huge influence on the sport of figure skating for almost his entire career.” 

“Very true,” I agreed. “Your career, in particular, wouldn’t you agree?” 

Yuuri looked down at his clasped hands. A nostalgic expression flitted across his features. “The first time I saw him skate was on television. It was when he won gold at the Junior Worlds. His hair was still long back then and he was a vision in that black jeweled costume. He took my breath away. It was then and there that I vowed that I would someday skate on the same ice with him.” Slowly he raised his head, a smile still in place. “And the rest, as they say, is history.” He huffed a small, self-deprecating laugh. 

“Your first meeting was at the Grand Prix in Sochi; you placed last out of the six skaters, correct?” 

Yuuri grimaced at the memory, then laughed at himself again. “Well, back then, my anxiety was at an all-time high, and I’d just lost my dog Vicchan. On top of the fact I was wildly inconsistent.” 

I could see Yuuri’s mind drift back to those painful days. “Tell me in your own words what it was like to compete for the first time with him?”

“It was a dream and nightmare wrapped into one…”

  


“I carry the weight of you in my heavy heart

And the wind is so icy, I am numb

I carry the weight of you heading back to start

With the thousand eyes on me, I stumble on

I am tired, I'm growing older

I'm getting weaker every day, yeah

I carry the weight of you

I carry the weight of you”

-Sirens by Cher Lloyd

  
  


His hands and knees ached, having repeatedly made contact with the unforgiving ice. Yuuri’s whole body shook as he sat in the Kiss and Cry with Celestino to await his fate. He knew whatever ground he’d claimed the day before in his short program would slip through his fingers as soon as the judges decided on his score. He clenched his fists in an attempt to hold himself together. Celestino sat close but didn’t touch him, for which he was grateful. His coach had learned that trying to comfort him physically wouldn’t help him at all. Total score 232.59. He’d dropped from second to last. 

“Now skating from Russia, Viktor Nikiforov.” The roar of the crowd for their countryman was loud enough to break through the static in Yuuri’s anxious mind. Viktor waved at the assembly as he skated to the center of the ice to take his opening position. His silver fringe glittered softly as he bowed his head. The sorrowful strains of “Stammi Vicinico” echoed off the ice and filled the space. Viktor glided through his opening, becoming the lover calling out to the one he’d lost. 

Not wanting to see any more of the perfection being performed in front of him, Yuuri rose and made his escape from the ice, from Viktor, from the dream that wasn’t to be. 

“Yuuri!” Celestino's voice called after him. “We have to meet with the press.”

Yuuri halted; the crowd roared again. He turned back to his coach and caught a glimpse of Viktor as he reached out his hands to an invisible lover. “Let me wash my face in the restroom, and I’ll meet you there.” 

Celestino nodded and headed towards the press room. 

Yuuri turned on his heel and headed to the closest men’s room. He locked himself in a stall and sat on the toilet. He’d forgotten that he had his phone clutched in his hand and tapped it open. Several messages from Phichit wishing him luck and then tons of virtual hugs. There was one from his mother urging him to call after. Yuuri stood up and left the stall as he tapped the icon for the onsen. His mom answered by the time he'd splashed his face with a few handfuls of water with her usual chipper greeting. When she heard Yuuri’s tentative hello, she launched into overwhelming praise at his performance, despite the difficulties he faced. Yuuri rubbed his temples after she mentioned that they’d held a viewing party with everyone from Hatsetsu. 

Yuuri turned towards the door when he heard it swing open. A slender kid in a Russian team jacket, the hood pulled over his head, slouched in and started washing his hands in the sink. Yuuri told his mom he’d call her again before he left for Detroit. Pocketing his phone, Yuuri headed for the door.

“Hey, Katsuki!” 

The gruff voice caused Yuuri to stop and face the tiny Russian. He arched an eyebrow at the boy who was now staring daggers at him from his perch in front of the sinks. “Can I help you?”

“You can skate better.” The boy still wasn’t looking at him but had stood up straight and took a few steps towards Yuuri. Now that he was close, Yuuri could make out the face under the hood. Blond hair hung over leafy-green eyes. His small mouth was twisted into a sneer, revealing bright-white teeth. “You sucked out there; you shouldn’t have.”

Yuuri’s brows knitted together as he processed the backhanded compliment. “Why do you care? Viktor won, didn't he? So your country came out on top as usual.” All the bitter, angry thoughts began to bubble to the surface. Who was this punk? What right did he have to get up in his face? His nails began to sting his palms with the effort he was using to keep his temper at bay.

Faster than Yuuri could track, the boy was gripping the front of his jacket. “I’m the one who’ll be taking your place if you don’t get your ass in gear.” With a click of his tongue, he released Yuuri and stomped out of the bathroom. 

Yuuri was in such a rush to follow the boy that he slammed right into Cao Bin, who grabbed his shoulders to keep them both upright. 

“Ne, Yuuri? Are you okay?” He looked him over with a curious air. “Did the Russian Fairy say something snotty to you?”

_ The Russian Fairy? _

Seeing the confusion on Yuuri’s face, Cao Bin continued on. “Yuri Plisetsky? He’s known by the press as the Russian Fairy, but all his fellow competitors call him the Russian Punk. He’s moving up next season, so I wouldn’t make an enemy of that one.” He gave Yuuri a friendly pat on the shoulder. “I’ll see you at the banquet, yes?”

Blinking for a moment to process all the information he’d acquired in the last few minutes, the reality that he couldn’t just slink back to his room and lick his wounds caused his head to pound. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“You don't know how you met me

You don't know why

You can't turn around

And say goodbye

All you know is when I'm with you

I make you free

And swim through your veins

Like a fish in the sea”

-Follow Me by Uncle Kracker

“Oh, the banquet! The press isn’t allowed, so what happens there is nothing but rumors, but wasn’t that the first time you came face to face with Viktor Nikiforov?” I looked over my notes while I waited for his response. When the silence stretched longer than would take most to come up with an answer, I glanced back up at my subject and saw that he was again staring at his hands, this time with a small smile. “I take it that rumor isn’t true?”

Raising his deep brown eyes up to meet mine, his smile grew wider. “Yeah, we had an awkward encounter after the press junket.”

I leaned forward and waved my hand for him to continue.

“Heh, I was headed out of the arena when a member of the Japanese press stopped me, offering words of encouragement when I heard Viktor say my name”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Yuuri laughed at my expression and continued, “Well, it was and wasn’t my name. What he said was, ‘Yuri, your step sequences could use a little more work.’ When I turned to see if he was talking to me I realized, to my shame, that he was talking to the Russian Yuri, who was curtly nodding at the notes Viktor was giving him. I just watched them pass, thinking what a fool I was for thinking for even one second he would ever talk to me. He was met by his coach and a tall brunette who greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. I watched on as she rubbed his cheek where she’d kissed him to make sure she hadn’t left lipstick on his face. I must have been staring at them because she caught my eye and, with what could be described as a wicked smile, called out to me. ‘Would you like to get a photo with Viktor?’” 

“That was his wife, Anya? She was an ice dancer on the Russian team as well, correct?”

“Yes, they got married when Viktor was 20 and she was 18. The Russian press had called it a fairytale match.” The sad smile returned to Yuuri’s lips as he finished. “He even cut his hair for the wedding.” 

“Did you get that picture?” Again, I was sifting through my notes. I hadn’t recalled any photos anywhere of the two of them together at the Grand Prix that year. 

“No,” Yuuri answered quietly. “When Viktor turned to see who Anya had spoken to, in my shame, I’d turn tail before I got to hear his response.”

“But you did finally get a chance to meet properly at the banquet, right?”

“Well, that was all thanks to a few flutes of champagne and of course, to the intervention of two guardian angels.” 

“That old dog has chained you up alright

Give you everything you need to live inside a twisted cage

Sleep beside an empty rage

I had a dream I was your hero

Damn I wish I was your lover

I'll rock you till the daylight comes

Make sure you are smiling and warm

I am everything

Tonight I'll be your mother I will

Do such things to ease your pain

Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed”

-Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins

Celestino handed Yuuri a flute of champagne from a passing waiter as soon as they entered the banquet hall. 

“To help you loosen up. But only three, Yuuri.” His coach gave him a level stare that meant he’d probably already bribed the staff to keep his skater on this side of sober. 

“Yes, coach.” The tart bubbles nipped at his nose as he took a tentative sip. It fizzed in his mouth and the dry flavor made his cheeks ache. He scanned the crowd of skaters, sponsors, and officials over the rim of his glass. Most were in cliques according to country, the Russians being the largest group per usual. Viktor was talking to a man in an ill-fitting suit, an official if Yuuri had to venture a guess, with his arm draped casually around the waist of his wife, Anya. They looked dazzling together; Viktor with his silver-blonde hair and delicate features, and Anya with her dark hair falling in silken waves down her back and her sultry aura. Light and dark. They were the power couple of figure skating. Many in the press had asked why they’d never decided to skate as a pair, to which Viktor had responded by saying, “I wouldn’t want to rob moya dorogaya of her glory.” 

Yuuri gulped down the remnants of his champagne and swapped it for another as soon as a tray came into his orbit. As he turned to find Celestino, he came face to face with Christophe Giacometti from Switzerland. 

“Yuuri, darling! I see you're none the worse for wear. Especially that fine rear end of yours.” Christophe practically oozed sex, even in a simple greeting. “I saw you gazing longingly at our champion.” 

Yuuri blushed to the tips of his ears. “I—I was not! I was just seeing who was here.” He took a deep pull of his champagne, tipping the flute up and finishing it. 

“Well, you've had enough of that.” Christophe took the now empty glass from Yuuri and swapped it with a cold glass of water. “We both know what a handful you are when you've had a bit too much. No need for Drunk Yuuri tonight.”

Yuuri giggled. What alcohol he had managed to consume apparently had gone straight to his head. “Says the man who practically invented Drunk Yuuri!” 

“Moi?” Mock shock and humor danced in his olive-green eyes. “I don't remember pouring those drinks down your throat. I may have purchased said drinks, but you, my darling boy, did all the work.” Christophe winked as he took a sip from his own glass, which Yuuri noticed was also water. Christophe placed a hand on Yuuri’s elbow and steered him in the direction of the Russian team, that now only consisted of skaters; coaches and sponsors had moved elsewhere to discuss business. “Shall I help you meet some new friends or…” His voice was so low that only Yuuri could hear, “Your soulmate?” Flustered beyond words, Yuuri didn’t realize who Christophe was steering him towards until he stood before his idol. “Viktor, have you been introduced to Japan’s Ace?” Without waiting for a response from Viktor, Christophe made a grand gesture in Yuuri’s direction. “This, mon cher, is Katsuki Yuuri, and of course this is the Living Legend, Viktor Nikiforov.”

Viktor’s blue eyes shifted to Yuuri, who began to quake, feeling like a moth trapped under a magnifying glass. The casually bored expression that had been in place was, for an instant, transformed into something Yuuri couldn’t quite name when those baby blue eyes met his own. Time seemed to slow and Yuuri could imagine staring into those eyes for the rest of his days.

An acerbic snicker broke their eye contact, shattering the moment. “Aww, Vitya! Isn’t he adorable!” Anya draped herself on Viktor and looked down her pointed nose at Yuuri. Her smile, that was meant to be delightful, didn’t reach her eyes, thus looking more like a sneer. “I saw him staring at you back at the arena, remember? Did you finally muster enough courage to ask Vitya for a photo yourself?”

“Anya,” chided Viktor.

Yuuri could feel his shoulders begin to round, wanting to curl into a ball and disappear. Noticing Yuuri’s anxiety getting the better of him, Christophe came to his rescue.

“Oh Anya, are you feeling threatened?” cooed Christophe with an eye roll that was practically audible. “It's not like you don't go home with Viktor every night. You're lucky you didn't have your eyes clawed out when you married him.” Christophe turned his back on her and settled on Viktor. “I came over so I could spend some time with my oldest friend and aid Yuuri here in making a few new ones.”

Anya blinked up at Christophe, momentarily stunned by his words, but she quickly recovered and clicked her tongue in disgust. Turning her back to the other two men, she spoke to Viktor directly. “Do what you want with your _ friends _,” the distaste for the present company clear in her tone. “I’m heading up to my room.” As if to stamp her status clear in the minds of those present, she gave Viktor a long lingering kiss and swished herself out of the banquet room.

“Ding dong the bitch is gone,” growled Yuri in a low tone, having appeared at Viktor’s side as soon as Anya had made her exit. He turned his bright green gaze up to Viktor and spoke bluntly, “Why’d you marry such a cold-hearted wench?”

Yuuri gasped and Christophe put his hand over his mouth to stifle a fit of giggles, but what surprised Yuuri most was the rich laughter that was now coming from Viktor. The smile that accompanied it was so dazzling, Yuuri couldn’t help but smile too. 

“Ah, Yura, how would I survive without you?” Viktor took a deep breath to regain his composure. Yuuri noticed that his eyes had lost their dullness. Even his features, that always had a cold, untouchable veneer, had melted onto a softer, more earthy beauty. His gaze settled back on Yuuri, taking in every inch of him, from the tips of his department-store shoes to the loosely gelled tips of his black hair. His whole body tingled under Viktor’s scrutiny. When Viktor’s eyes rested on Yuuri’s, the corner of his mouth twitched up into a smile. “To what do I owe the honor of your presence, my darling Chris? I take it your other half is tied up?”

“Gross,” snarled Yuri, smacking Viktor’s arm. 

“I wish,” Christophe answered without batting an eye. “He’s at home cat sitting.”

“Ah, so how long have you two,” Viktor waved his hand at Yuuri and Christophe, “known each other?”

“Oh, Yuuri and I go all the way back to our junior days, both shy, tender buds that we were.” Christophe winked down at Yuuri. “We mostly bonded over our admiration for a certain silver-haired skater. If I recall, Yuuri, your memorabilia collection was one to be envied. Is that still true?”

“Chrisss!” Yuuri whined as he hid his red hot face behind his hands. Just what he needed, to be outed at Viktor’s biggest fan. “I think you’ve been stalking Phichit’s Instagram too much.”

“Aw, that’s too bad,” cooed Viktor. “I thought that sounded, um, sweet.”

Yuuri peaked through his fingers and saw a Viktor that was so vastly different from all of the posters on his wall. His eyes were demurely shifted to the side, and he seemed to be fidgeting.

“Well, my sister figured out that if she wanted me to help out at the onsen she could bribe me with Viktor Nikiforov merchandise, so I mean, most of it was given to me because they knew I respected you as a skater. Not because I was like, a crazy fanboy or something!” Yuuri averted his gaze and started to find the carpet fascinating.

“Aww, Chris,” Viktor clutched at his jacket. “Where have you been hiding this sweet boy?”

Yuuri couldn’t help but raise his gaze up. He'd never seen this smile in any photos he'd poured over since he was twelve. It warmed Yuuri to know he'd put it there. 

“Viktor darling, my little Yuuri has been around. He’s quite the dancer and not just the standard ballet they have us do for skating.” He nudged Yuuri. “This one has some serious moves.”

Viktor raised his eyebrows. “No wonder his PCS is always so high. You train in the States, yes?” There was something in Viktor’s tone that Yuuri couldn't place. “It must be so liberating.” 

Yuuri’s mind picked over Viktor's last statement. There was more variety in the classes he could take, but he wouldn't say it was liberating. Yuuri looked up at Viktor to ask him what he meant but stopped himself when he saw the expression on the man's face. It was just a flash, but Yuuri could have sworn it was wistful, a look of longing, but for what? The man had everything. 

“Yeah,” Yuuri took the plunge into the conversation. “There are a bunch of studios that teach all different styles. The key though is to go out to the clubs and put it to use.”

“Oh, yes,” Christophe piped up, his eyes lit. “Give Yuuri here a couple of shots, and he'll rule the dance floor. Not to mention the string of broken hearts of both persuasions.” 

“Chris! You’re making me sound like some weird, sex-obsessed Viktor fanboy. Please, please ignore him, Viktor.” Yuuri flapped his hands in panic. “I haven’t had anything past a first date in a long time.”

“Well, that’s because you’re married to skating. Though really, Yuuri, you shouldn’t have any excuses for not getting laid, considering the duality of your appeal.” The teasing tone in Christophe’s tone was beginning to make Yuuri regret being pulled into this conversation. 

“The duality?” Viktor looked genuinely perplexed. “I mean, he is a handsome young man, but what do you mean by that?” 

“My dear Viktor, those who succumb to Yuuri’s charms aren’t limited by frivolous things such as gender. Surely, even your stifled heart can feel that.”

Now Yuuri was sure he’d never been more embarrassed in his entire life, and that includes almost every one of his memories of drunk Yuuri he could recall. He ventured a glance in Viktor’s direction, sure that the Russian would be disgusted by him. Yuuri knew full well the anti-gay propaganda to be pervasive in Russia to a frightening extent. He wouldn’t be surprised if the Federation had strict rules in regards to what their skaters should and shouldn’t do. Even hinting at such behavior would probably be gravely punished.

“Yuuri, you look needlessly worried over there.” Viktor’s face held a gentle smile while his eyes held that unnameable emotion. It could be longing or lust, but Viktor’s true feelings were guarded by high iron walls. Yuuri didn’t know if he could succeed, but he wanted to know what Viktor’s true feelings were. “What other styles of dance did you study?”

“Oh, um, I took a wide variety. Jazz and hip hop, which lead me to the Latin dances. Salsa, rumba, and tango.” As Yuuri ticked off the classes he'd taken, he noticed Viktor's eyes grow wider. “Dancing helps me get out of my head and relax. So yeah…” Yuuri again ducked his head, he felt as if he was rambling now. 

“I have to say Yuui, I'm impressed. Chris is right, you must have your pick of dance partners.” 

Yuuri's mind was tripping over itself. He'd impressed Viktor. His inner fanboy was jumping up and down excitedly. He took a deep breath and spoke, “Um, Viktor, would you like to dance with me?” He wasn't sure at first if Viktor had heard him, the words had tumbled out of his mouth so fast because Viktor was silent. The moment took so long that Yuuri was sure that he’d imagined it all. That his fanboy brain had cruelly concocted it all. Yuuri let his eyes drop. He didn’t dare look at Viktor. He couldn’t. His vision began to blur and chest constrict. 

Christophe, understanding Viktor’s hesitation, stepped in. “While I think it would be enchanting to see you both float around the dance floor, wouldn’t it be wiser to take this tête-à-tête elsewhere?” 

Yuri gave Viktor a not so subtle shove in Yuuri’s direction, “Yakov’s gone off to the hotel bar with a few of the other coaches, something about how he needed to teach them how to hold their liquor like a Russian. Go, have some actual fun for once.”

Viktor gave Yuri a look that seemed to say multitudes, but Yuri just shrugged and headed towards the hors d'oeuvres table. 

“Yuuri,” Viktor spoke quietly, as if from far away. “Look at me, please.”

The soft pleading in Viktor’s voice caused Yuuri’s head to snap up. Viktor was reaching out a hand to Yuuri, and when he looked into Viktor’s eyes, he saw a man who was drowning. Drowning under the weight of his own life. Reaching for something. No, for someone to hold onto, someone who could make him feel...human.

Yuuri took his hand.

“I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.

I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.

I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do

I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.

A reason for living. A deeper meaning.”

-Truly, Madly Deeply by Savage Garden

It was crisp and the wind whistled around the sides of the roof. Yuuri could think of a hundred different places that would be warmer, but nothing could beat the privacy and the view. Yuuri pulled out his phone and tapped into a playlist. He hit shuffle and set it against the wall. It was one of Phichit’s playlists, containing all his favorite movie songs. The song that started was soft, sentimental. It played at the climactic scene in a cheesy romance movie that Phichit had made him sit through. Yuuri pointed out how uncomfortable it would be to kiss in the pouring rain, while Phichit sobbed his way through a box of Kleenex. 

Viktor turned to him, holding his free hand out, looking every inch like he’d stepped out of one of Yuuri’s better dreams. Neither of them spoke as Yuuri stepped into his space and started to waltz Viktor around the cold cement. The whole world dissolved around them as they made their way around their makeshift dance floor. Viktor followed Yuuri’s lead without a single misstep, all the while with a serene smile and looking as if he was having the time of his life.

“You dance exquisitely, Yuuri.” Viktor’s voice was warm and quiet as if he feared if he spoke above a whisper they would find themselves back on earth. “Finally, I can relax and enjoy the charms of my handsome dance partner.”

Again, Yuuri could feel himself blush. “You’re the handsome one. As for me, I’m—just Yuuri.” He took this chance to twirl Viktor out to arm's length. “You have everything. You’re at the top of your chosen career; you’ve won so many gold medals; you’re married to a beautiful woman. Your life is the stuff of dreams.” 

“You have it all wrong, Yuuri. The career, the medals, especially my marriage; it’s all empty and hollow.” Viktor stayed in place for a moment, then pulled Yuuri close, so close it allowed him to see a few pale freckles dusting the bridge of Viktor’s nose. “Please don’t envy me.” He bowed his head and squeezed Yuuri’s hand. “It's hard for me to talk about. I’ve only felt able to talk about it with one other person before.”

“Chris?” Yuuri knew he and Viktor had been rivals for so long and had become friends as a result. 

“Yes. He called me out at an after-party we were at. Anya had gone off with some of the other team members to another party so I was on my own.” Viktor was staring at their clasped hands. “Apparently, I gave myself away. I’d had a few too many drinks and was staring longingly at some dark-haired young man across the room. Chris told me I should just man up and go talk to him.” Viktor shook his head slowly. “I couldn’t believe I’d been so easy to read. I instantly denied it and told him that it was horrible to even suggest such a thing. Chris just gave me a sad smile. He apologized and said he must have been mistaken. Since then, I’ve avoided imbibing too much alcohol and being without Anya. It's not out of any desire to be near her—you’ve seen how cruel she can be—but to remind me of my place.”

Yuuri’s heart was breaking at hearing Viktor’s story. “You had to deny your true self just to skate?” Even though Yuuri knew the answer, he knew from experience that to not give voice to your pain only made it multiply. 

“Yes. I knew from an early age that I was different, but it wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized how different I really was. How disgusting and dirty I was.” His grip on Yuuri’s hand was almost painful, but Yuuri didn’t mind. He returned Viktor’s grasp with equal force in order to ground him.

“Oh, Viktor. There is nothing dirty or disgusting about who you love. Truly, to be capable of loving someone is such a beautiful thing. Whoever that ends up being is blessed.”

Viktor’s eyes misted at Yuuri’s words. “That’s why I think so highly of you, Yuuri. You’re not only the most handsome man I’ve ever met, but you lay bare all your emotions for everyone to see.”

Letting out a small laugh, Yuuri tugged gently on Viktor’s hand, causing him to look up. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, truthfully. To have everyone knowing how I’m feeling makes me feel exposed and weak.”

A small delighted smile formed on Viktor’s face. “No, Yuuri, it makes you even more beautiful.” He reached out, as if to touch Yuuri’s face, but dropped it. 

“Shall we dance just a bit more?” suggested Yuuri timidly, wanting so much to give Viktor a dance he’d remember long after. 

The song that had been playing had finished, and in its place was a more sultry, bass-heavy song. Viktor tugged Yuuri’s hand, spun him out and then back to him so his back was pressed up against Viktor’s chest. Yuuri’s heart began to beat along with the rhythm of the song, being this close to Viktor, feeling the heat from his body pressed up against him, and the whisper of his breath ruffling the short hair at the nape of his neck. Yuuri let go of Viktor’s hand and slid it down to his hip, as Yuuri raised his arm and tangled his hand into the hair on the back of Viktor’s neck. Losing himself in the primal beat of the song and having Viktor this close, Yuuri moved his hips in time with the bass. 

Grinding against Viktor, who was gripping onto Yuuri’s hip with bruising intensity, he put all of the passion he held for Viktor into the movement. Viktor spun Yuuri out and then pulled him back close, nose to nose. Yuuri’s eyes flicked down from Viktor’s eyes to his soft lips. Yuuri watched his tongue as it darted out to moisten them. The small movement made Yuuri want. For the first time since he saw the man before him skate all those years ago, he wanted. He wanted to know what his lips would taste like—what Viktor’s hands would feel like on his bare skin. 

“Why don’t we find somewhere warmer and get to know each other better?” Yuuri didn’t know how the question escaped his lips, but he felt like if he didn’t keep a hold of Viktor’s attention, even for this one night, he might never get the chance again.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea”

“Please baby can't you see

My mind's a burnin' hell

I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'

My heart apart as well

Tonight you told me

That you ache for somethin' new

'Cause some other woman is lookin' like something

That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone

Go on believe her when she tells you

Nothing's wrong

But I'm the only one

Who'll walk across the fire for you

And I'm the only one

Who'll drown in my desire for you

It's only fear that makes you run

The demons that you're hiding from

When all your promises are gone

I'm the only one”

-I’m the Only One by Melissa Etheridge

The journey from the roof to the elevators went past them in a blur. Time didn’t seem to catch up with them until the elevator doors shut and they knew they were safe. Neither of them pushed a button, they just stared at each other, breaths coming out quickly, either from their mad dash or at what they were about to do. Yuuri’s mind was the first to reanimate. Reaching out, he pressed the number for his floor. 

“No one will think to look for you in my room.” Yuuri’s tone was matter-of-fact, but he began to kick himself internally as he tried to read Viktor’s expression. He seemed to be debating as if the quiet and seclusion of the elevator gave him time to rethink the implications of whatever it was they were doing. “I mean, you don’t have to come up to my room if you don’t want to. I mean, um—” Yuuri ran out of words, his anxiety starting to swirl his thoughts into a garbled mess. He took a leap of faith and looked straight into Viktor’s eyes. He saw the embers of heat he’d felt when they danced, but he also saw in the lines on his face and the tightness of his body from the fear that was ingrained in him.

“Yuuri, I’ve never wanted to do anything more in my entire life.” Viktor’s answer came in a rush as if the words had escaped before he could control them. Even his body had moved seemingly of its own volition, having taken a step closer to Yuuri. “I’m just—”

“Scared,” Yuuri finished, who stepped forward and took Viktor’s hands in both of his. “Me, too. I’m an expert at being scared to death. I worry about all kinds of things. Like if my skates are tied tightly enough, if I got a bad score on an exam, whether I’ll land that damn quad salchow at the beginning of my short program.” 

At this last admission, Viktor gave a quiet laugh, a small smile softening the features of his face. 

“I’m scared of this,” Yuuri continued, squeezing Viktor’s hand gently. “But not because I don’t want you and everything that comes with having you even for this one night. I’m scared that if you take this step towards me you’ll end up regretting it and blaming yourself, or worse, blaming me and end up hating me. I don’t think I could bear it. That’s why I want you to be sure this is what you want. That I’m who you want.” 

The elevator dinged and the doors swished open. Yuuri let go of Viktor’s hands and stepped out into the hallway. Viktor stood still, his fists were clenched and hanging at his sides. The doors slid shut with a quiet thump. 

“In the silence of your room

In the darkness of your dreams

You must only think of me

There can be no in-between

When your pride is on the floor

I'll make you beg for more

Stay with me, stay with me”

-Stay by Shakespeare’s Sister


	2. Stay the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened after the elevator closed (^_−)☆

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet relief has come!! Sorry, not sorry about the cliffhanger. I blame my dear mistress of pain D_Toska, who is also is one of the pair of indispensable betas along with Dachi. We get art in this chapter! (๑>ᴗ<๑) This art is by the darling Dyeingdoll!!! #blessed. (Also a tad nsfw, you've been warned)  
******SPICEY KATSUDON ALERT********  
This chapter also is where we earn our rating! If you want to skip, start speed reading at "Yuuri gently pushed Viktor..." Stop at "Bracing his hands..."   
Again at "Yuuri pulled Viktor down and kissed..." and stop at "Yuuri heard a short laugh..."  
There is important stuff in between those so please don't skip too much.   
I told you there would be smut.   
Enjoy! ヽ(o♡o)/

“I am fire gasoline,

Come pour yourself all over me

We'll let this place go down in flames only one more time

You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds

Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes

I know that we were made to break

So what? I don't mind

Are you gonna stay the night

Are you gonna stay the night

Oh oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night”

-Stay the Night by Zedd feat. Hayley Williams

Staring at the closed elevator doors, Yuuri struggled to seal away the fresh chest wound opened from ripped away hopes. He turned and headed to his empty room. 

He kicked his shoes off and flopped face first onto his bed. He was so sure that Viktor was attracted to him, that he wanted to come up and continue what had been building quickly between them as they had stood close. He should have kept his mouth shut, just pulled Viktor along without putting a voice to his fears. No, that was his anxiety talking. He took a deep breath and pulled himself upright. It was time to take a shower and put an end to this miserable day.

If the bathroom wasn’t right next to the front door of his room, Yuuri probably would have never heard the quiet tapping. He looked through the peephole to make sure he wasn’t imagining things, and there, trying to make his gorgeous self invisible, was Viktor Nikiforov. Yuuri swung the door open quickly, pulled Viktor into his room by hand and shut the door. 

No sooner had they heard the latch click than the force that had been pulling them together since their dance, imploded. First contact was with lips and teeth, then hands reaching and pulling close. Yuuri pinned Viktor up against the wall, cupping his face, feeling the man’s soft skin under his hands. He felt moisture under the tips of his fingers and pulled back to look at Viktor’s face. Tears were flowing from his eyes, making his silver eyelashes glitter in the dim light. Before Yuuri could open his mouth to ask what the matter was, Viktor put the tips of his fingers on his lips.

”I, um, got a bit overwhelmed by my emotions. I was sure you wouldn’t let me in after I didn’t get off the elevator with you.” 

Yuuri kissed Viktor’s fingers that were still pressed to his lips and began to close the space between them. 

“God, please Yuuri. Please...I don’t know how or what to ask for.” Viktor dropped his hand down to Yuuri’s chest, resting his head on the man’s shoulder. 

Yuuri put his hand over Viktor’s and used the other to tilt his chin up in order to look him in the eyes. A wolfish grin spread across his face as he declared, “It would be an honor to use my ill-gotten knowledge to deflower the great Viktor Nikiforov.”

He leaned up and kissed Viktor’s trembling lips. A gentle press. Yuuri wanted to put everything he felt into that press of lips, his respect and admiration, how connected they seemed to be even if they’d only spoken for the first time a few short hours ago. They seemed to have lived a lifetime in the short span of time. 

Yuuri tilted his head to the side and wrapped his arms around Viktor’s neck to pull him deeper into the kiss, into the passion that was finally being given a true outlet. Yuuri licked at Viktor’s closed lips, asking, demanding entrance. Viktor opened up and they began a new dance, as before Viktor was following Yuuri’s lead. Despite his height, Viktor was clinging to Yuuri, clutching his chest like a man clinging to the face of a cliff. 

Sensing that Viktor was likely to crumble soon, he broke the kiss and guided him to the bed. They sat staring at each other for a few minutes, wonderment written on their faces. 

“Can I, um, touch you?” A pale pink blush dusted Viktor’s cheeks. Yuuri nodded his consent. Viktor reached out a tentative hand and caressed Yuuri’s face. He leaned into Viktor’s palm, kissing his thumb as it grazed past Yuuri’s lips. His hand traveled down the slender column of Yuuri’s throat, pausing at the collar of his shirt where his exposed skin ended. 

Yuuri reached up and began to slowly unbutton his shirt. His eyes were fixed on Viktor, who sat transfixed, watching Yuuri expose his bare chest slowly. His mouth went through the motions of saying ‘wow’, but no sound escaped his lips. Yuuri felt his heart speed up under Viktor’s intense gaze. He let the shirt slip off and tossed it somewhere on the floor. 

Taking Yuuri’s actions as a cue, Viktor followed suit. He removed his jacket as well as his shoes and socks. His hands were still unsteady as he began to unbutton his shirt. Yuuri put his hands over Viktor’s. 

“Let me, please.” Viktor nodded quickly and Yuuri methodically made his way down the row of buttons. He leaned forward and pressed light kisses to Viktor’s skin as it came into view. Yuuri pulled it free from Viktor’s pants and tossed it in the same direction of his. Viktor practically squirmed under Yuuri’s intense gaze, who reached out and slid his hands up Viktor’s chest, pausing briefly to graze a thumb over his nipple. Viktor arched towards the point of contact. Yuuri gently pushed Viktor down onto the bed, settling himself just above Viktor’s hips. Rocking back just a hair, Yuuri could feel how aroused Viktor was and released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Thank goodness,” Yuuri sighed as he bent down and licked into Viktor’s mouth. He rocked his hips back with more force. Grinning like a cheshire cat when Viktor’s hands came up and gripped his hips. “Do you like how that feels, Viktor?”

“Vitya.” Viktor spoke in a hoarse whisper. His own hips beginning to move in rhythm with Yuuri. “Please call me Vitya.”

“Vitya,” Yuuri breathed out. He ran his fingers lightly back down Viktor’s chest coming to rest on his belt. “I think we need to shed another layer. Don’t you agree, Vitya?” Yuuri punctuated Viktor’s pet name with a bit more pressure as he pushed his hips back. 

“Yes, please.” Viktor begged. 

Yuuri rose up higher on his knees, undoing his belt and fly, and shimming out of his pants. 

“Now, your turn.” Yuuri, now in only his boxer briefs, repeated the same steps on Viktor.

His cock was hard, a dot of precum had already stained Viktor’s briefs. Yuuri licked his lips as his gaze wandered up Viktor’s body and stopping at his deep blue eyes. Viktor’s pink blush spread all the way down to his chest. 

“You look like you’re going devour me.” Viktor wiggled and squirmed under Yuuri’s heated gaze. 

“And how does that make you feel?” Yuuri palmed his cock through his very tiny black briefs, causing the man under him to let out a low moan. Yuuri hooked his thumbs in the band and with a swift tug freed Viktor’s cock, but slowly teased them off, stopping to nip and kiss his way down Viktor’s thighs. 

Gasping, Viktor raised himself up onto his elbows to watch Yuuri look at his body like it was everything he’s ever wanted, and the only thing he'll ever want. "Like I'm burning up from the inside out. Like I'm about to be  _ claimed.” _

Yuuri stood and turned to rummage through his toiletries bag. He found his small first aid kit and dropped it beside Viktor on the bed. 

Drawing his brows together, Viktor looked quizzically at the small white box. “Are you planning for one of us to need a band-aid?” 

Yuuri laughed and popped open the lid. Inside were several condoms and a travel-size bottle of lube. “My coach, sadly, isn’t above searching through his skaters things, thus Phichit and I came up with this, so I could always be prepared and safe if a situation presented itself.” He took out a condom and lube and closed the lid. He took off his boxers and stepped out of them. 

Viktor’s eyes now lingered hotly on Yuuri’s erect cock. 

“Now, who looks hungry?” Yuuri teased as bent down and gave Viktor a long lingering kiss. 

They were tasting and touching everywhere they could reach, and now that clothing wasn’t in the way, everything felt hotter. Their movements were becoming desperate, Viktor arched upward to find some kind of friction, and Yuuri was trying to see what combination of sucking, teething and tongue on Viktor’s nipple could make him moan the loudest. 

“Yuuri!” Viktor gripped his hair and raised it to meet his eyes. "Pease, I need--please.”

Yuuri kissed him, and without so much as preamble, sucked Viktor’s cock down to the root. 

“Fuck, do you even have a gag reflex?” Viktor panted as he tried to not to come instantly. 

Yuuri hummed in appreciation and hollowed his cheeks as he slowly slid his mouth along Viktor’s length. Popping off the tip audibly, Yuuri swirled his tongue around it. He repeated the pattern a few more times, bringing Viktor right up to the edge. Finally, Yuuri took him in deep and looked up into Viktor’s eyes as if to say, ‘Ready when you are.’ Viktor came long and hard. His hips, that were firmly under Yuuri’s hands, pressed up hard enough to bruise. He collapsed back on the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. 

Yuuri swallowed down and crawled on top of Viktor. Bracing his hands on either side of Viktor’s head, he looked down at him. “Vitya, are you okay?” Praying silently that the edging hadn’t been too much, too soon. 

Viktor took a deep breath and reached up to cup Yuuri’s face. His face shone with such joy and tenderness that Yuuri felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes. 

“I’m more than okay, my Yuuri.” He rubbed his thumb along Yuuri’s cheekbone. His touch was gentle as if he though Yuuri might vanish at any moment. All the while, Yuuri’s inner fanboy had fainted the moment he’d called him ‘my Yuuri.’

“I’m glad.” Yuuri laid down next Viktor, snuggling in close and throwing a leg over Viktor’s longer ones. 

Viktor turned his head and looked at Yuuri with raised eyebrows. “You’re still hard. Do you want me to help you with that?” His concern clearly etched in his face.

“It will go down on its own soon,” Yuuri responded as he ducked his head under Viktor’s chin. 

“I want to make you feel as good as you made me feel.” Viktor rose up and gazed down at Yuuri. “Please? I may not know how to do much, but I want to do something.” With tentative movements he drew his fingers along Yuuri’s cock and was rewarded by a gasp. “See, you need something. Tell me what you want.” His blue eyes gleaming with heat and mischief. 

Yuuri pulled Viktor down and kissed his open mouth, already about to burst from all that had happened, and even more so with Viktor begging him to get him off. 

“Lay down and face away from me.” He whispered hotly into Viktor’s ear. “I want to fuck those gold medal winning thighs.” Yuuri felt Viktor shudder at his words. He padded around the bed in search of the forgotten lube as Viktor got himself comfortable on his side. 

Yuuri squeezed a generous amount of lube into his hand and rolled it in his hands to warm it a bit. He lined himself up behind Viktor and tapped the top of his thigh for him to raise it a bit. Yuuri spread the lube on the inside of his thighs and used the rest on his cock. 

“Now, I want you clench your thighs together nice and tight, Vitya. Cross your ankles if you need to.” Yuuri wrapped one arm underneath Viktor and pulled him close, while the other was on his hip. He thrust his cock into the slit between Viktor’s thighs, letting out a slow moan as he was enveloped by the slick heat of Viktor’s flesh. “Good Vitya, squeeze harder.” Viktor obeyed, and it felt so good. Yuuri pounded his hips in a quick, fevered dance. He relished the brush of Viktor’s balls on his cock and the breathy gasps that were coming from his partner. He reached down with his pinned arm and felt that Viktor was hard again and began to stroke him in time with his thrusts. Viktor put his hand over Yuuri’s to aid in the friction he was seeking and clenched his thighs even further. Yuuri’s rhythm was frantic now, pulling and pushing. He was being consumed by the passion that he’d held at bay and drowning in the desire that Viktor was pouring over him. 

“Vitya!” Yuuri cried out as he came and he felt the hot come on his hand as well. He stroked Viktor through his orgasm and rode out his own. He licked and kissed the nape of Viktor’s neck, now slick with sweat. “I usually last longer than a horny teenager, but I think I ended up teasing myself as well.” Yuuri heard a short laugh from Viktor as he turned to face him. 

“Well, we can test that next time,” said Viktor as he kissed the tip of Yuuri’s nose. 

Yuuri’s sex-addled brain came to a halt. “Next time?” he whispered. His heart clenched at those words. Yuuri hadn’t dared to hope that this, whatever it was, would continue past this one time. 

“You want a next time, right?” Viktor’s tone was quiet, almost childlike. His eyes sought the answer in Yuuri’s, looking desperately for what he wanted to see.

Yuuri reached over and brushed Viktor’s bangs out of his eyes. The man looked so hopeful and open. Before his anxiety could raise its ugly head, he spoke up. “Yes, I very much want us to have a next time.” Looking deep into Viktor’s eyes to make sure he could feel how serious Yuuri was about what he was saying. “I’m here for you as long as you’ll have me.”

Viktor pounced on Yuuri and smothered him in kisses. “Oh, Yuuuuri! How do you just say these lovely things?”

Laughing at Viktor’s childish antics, he pulled him down for a kiss. “I’m not usually. I tend to overthink and worry everything to death, but with you I seem to be able to speak my mind honestly. In the spirit of that honesty, I think we need to clean up.” Yuuri squished Viktor close once more, then headed towards the bathroom. Pausing in the doorway, he cocked an eyebrow at Viktor who was still sprawled out naked as the day he was born, on the bed. “Care to join me?” 

They spent their time under the hot spray soaping each other down. Exploring the other’s body and swapping kisses instead of words—those could wait. After they toweled off, Yuuri put on some clean sleep pants, and Viktor donned his discarded shirt and retreated to the warmth of the bed.

“What time do you need to head back to your room?” Whispered Yuuri into the darkness. Viktor was snuggled up behind him, his nose buried in Yuuri’s inky black hair. 

Viktor hummed in thought, “Around four, Yakov will be pounding on my door by six.” 

Yuuri felt Viktor’s breath even out, and as Yuuri’s eyes drooped down, he wondered how everything would feel when the dawn came. Unfortunately, sleep didn’t come. His brain couldn’t quite wrap around the notion that his long time crush and idol was asleep behind him. Not just that, they’d also danced on a rooftop, had mind blowing sex, and had promised each other that there would be more to come. His body buzzed wherever it came in contact with Viktor’s. It was as if the connection between them wanted to make itself clear and remembered. Looking up at the digital clock on the nightstand, which read two a.m, Yuuri willed his brain to sleep. 

“Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand

But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man

These nights never seem to go to plan

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand

Oh, won't you stay with me

'Cause you're all I need

This ain't love, it's clear to see

But, darling, stay with me”

-Stay with Me by Sam Smith

The silence in the studio was so absolute that the dust motes could be heard careening into each other. My mind finally caught up to what he was telling me. 

“So, what you're telling us is that you and Viktor…?” I stopped short and waited. I watched Yuuri’s hands unclasp and he began tugging at the sleeves of his jacket. His expression was a mixture of so many emotions, but then it settled on one, certainty.

“Had an affair,” Yuuri supplied. 

I internally gasped. Before me was a man who didn't regret the choices he made, which flew in the face of the anxious, almost timid persona he exuded. There had been rumors surrounding the nature of their relationship, especially when Yuuri changed coaches. It took all of my years of experience to contain my glee at this confirmation many had tried and failed to gain dropping into my lap as if Yuuri had kept it safe just for my documentary. It was enough to keep my producers happy with me for weeks. 

“Yes,” Yuuri continued, “and it was the best wrong turn I've ever made.”

“And when the daylight comes I'll have to go

But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close

'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own

But tonight I need to hold you so close

Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa

Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa

Here I am staring at your perfection

In my arms, so beautiful

The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out

Somebody slow it down

This is way too hard

'Cause I know, when the sun comes up

I will leave, this is my last glance

That will soon be memory”

-Daylight by Maroon 

Yuuri’s peaceful sleep was rudely interrupted by a horrible noise. Blinking, he realized that the alarm from his phone was screeching at him. He reached over and tapped it off. Viktor was still sleeping soundly, looking so much like an angel in the dim moonlight. Yuuri laid down next to him and brushed his silver bangs away from his face. 

“Vitya, it’s time to wake up.” Yuuri placed a kiss on his forehead, on his each of his still closed eyes and then his lips. His ministration were rewarded by the appearance of Viktor’s deep blue eyes. 

“Good morning, Yuuri.” He reached out and caressed Yuuri’s cheek. A tender smile blossomed on his pale face. “What time is it?”

“3:30. I thought you’d want a little time to wake up before you headed back to your room.” Yuuri pulled Viktor into his arms and held him close. “Also, I wanted to have you to myself for just a little bit longer.”

“I like the sound of that.” Viktor curled into his chest, snuggling against it. 

They lay together like that in their private bubble, listening to each others breathing and the heart beats that marked the stubborn march of time. Neither spoke, not wanting to face the inevitable. They just held each other tight. 

Finally, Yuuri spoke up. “I’ll win at Nationals and then I’ll see you again at Worlds.” His words were almost like a prayer, as if he was willing the words to be so. “I know it seems so far away, but we can always keep in touch. There are all sorts of messaging apps we can use and we can talk face to face with Skype.” 

Viktor nodded. “Those are good ideas. Careful is always best.” 

“Yes, we need to be very careful and quiet.” Yuuri kissed the top of Viktor’s head. “It’s getting to be that time, Vitya.”

“I know.” Viktor still didn’t budge. 

Yuuri let out a sigh. He knew this was going to be hard. Hard to go back to their lives, to pretend as if they were both content, still knowing that something was missing. He wanted Viktor to be smiling when he left, to see that sparkle in his eyes. He wanted to lighten the burden of separation if only for a few minutes. He leaped up and pounced on Viktor, blowing raspberries into his bare flesh. Viktor yelped and then started to laugh, squirming to avoid the onslaught. Yuuri continued his attack for a few minutes, till they were both giggling and breathless. 

“Thank you, Yuuri.” Viktor grabbed Yuuri’s hands, his eyes alight with merriment. “I needed that and you, I think I needed you most of all.”

“You have me, Vitya.” Squeezing Viktor’s hands to make his point even clearer. “You have all of me for as long as you need me.”

They finally left the bed and Yuuri helped Viktor find all of his clothes so he could dress. Though slightly crumpled he looked well enough. After giving Viktor his email, Yuuri followed him to the door of his room, but didn’t follow him out. 

“I would walk you to your room, but--”

Viktor kissed him then, silencing his words, the ones that they both knew. They couldn’t be seen together, not like that. 

“Email me. I’ll take care of the rest.” Yuuri kissed him once more, keeping his eyes open to memorize this moment, to keep it safe while they were apart. “See you soon, Vitya.”

“See you soon, Yuuri.”

Yuuri watched Viktor walk down the hallway to the bank of elevators. Viktor didn’t glance back, even when he stood waiting for the doors to open. Yuuri guessed that he couldn’t bear to, and if Yuuri was honest with himself, he probably would have run to him if he had. Yuuri’s anxiety, that he’d managed to keep in check for most of the evening, hit him like a tsunami as he closed the door. 

What had he done? Had he just jeopardized Viktor’s career? He’d let his other head do most of the thinking last night and somehow had managed to seduce Viktor Nikiforov. For what? Yuuri slid down the door and curled into a ball. It wasn’t like Viktor would fall in love with him or leave his wife and career behind. No, he was just an outlet for what Viktor wasn’t allowed to have. Yuuri gasped for air like a drowning man. 

He took several long breaths, counting in his head, willing his more rational brain to take back control. It was all true to a certain extent, but Yuuri had known all of it going in. He knew that Viktor wasn’t really his to hold on to, and it wasn’t as if Viktor treated him or his feeling glibly. It was actually the opposite, he’d been tender and caring. Yuuri also reminded himself that he’d offered himself up to ease Viktor’s pain and to bring joy to a man who’d inspired him so much. Even if it led to heartbreak and disaster, he was willing to sacrifice himself for Viktor’s sake. He’d chosen this thorny path, now all he could do was to put one foot in front of the other. 

“Why don't you

Why don't you

Go outside

Go outside

Kiss the rain

Whenever you need me

Kiss the rain

Whenever I'm gone too long

If your lips feel lonely and thirsty

Kiss the rain

And wait for the dawn

Keep in mind

We're under the same sky

And the night's

As empty for me as for you

If you feel

You can't wait till morning

Kiss the rain

Kiss the rain

Kiss the rain”

-Kiss the Rain by Billie Myers


	3. Our Lips are Sealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Viktor arrive early for World's in Saitama and spend their time getting to know each other better. In more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! This one has a few first for our boys.   
This chapter has the song that inspired this fic in the first place.   
It's 'Weekend' by Amy Shark. Check it out in the playlist in the endnote.
> 
> Thank you again to my lovely betas, D_Toska and Dachi for all their work!! 
> 
> ***Spicey Katsudon Alert!***  
Start your speed read at "Yuuuri, but I still can't touch you,"  
Slow down at "After that..."  
and  
Start at "May I, um-"  
Stop at "That was-" 
> 
> Enjoy ヽ(o♡o)/
> 
> PS I need songs!!!!!! Leave suggestions in the comments, please.  
PPS The place Yuuri takes Viktor is a real shrine in Saitama. (Fun with research)

“Can you hear them?

They talk about us

Telling lies

Well, that's no surprise

Can you see them?

See right through them

They have no shield

No secrets to reveal

It doesn't matter what they say

In the jealous games people play

Our lips are sealed”

-Our Lips are Sealed by The Go-Go’s

“Wow-- I mean, that’s quite a revelation. Can you share--” 

Yuuri held up his hand; the look on his face made my jaw clamp shut. “I’m not going to speak about any of the details of what transpired between us in private, only what we meant to each other and how it influenced us during the lead up to Worlds and the following Grand Prix series.”

I nodded my understanding. “Quite all right, my apologies.” With this new information, my mind started making connections in regard to events he mentioned. “Now, you both went your separate ways, Viktor back to St. Petersburg and you to Detroit. How long after you returned to the States did Viktor make contact with you?”

“It was a week after before I left for Japan for Nationals. He emailed me. I knew it was going to be a bit tricky with the seven-hour time difference, but we made it work.” 

A sudden thought hit me, and I looked over my notes to confirm my suspicions. “Your programs, both your long and short, underwent a big change between Sochi and Nationals. Was it your coach who changed it, or did Viktor work on it with you?”

The surprise on Yuuri’s face confirmed my conclusion. “I guess knowing that we were in contact makes those changes more noticeable.” He smiled at me for putting it together. “Yes, during one of our Skype chats, Viktor was being especially cagey and I called him out. He asked if he could give me a couple of notes about ways to improve my programs. At first, I was completely floored. I mean, wouldn’t you be? If the person you respected most wanted to help you?” Yuuri’s energy was enthusiastic. I could see how delighted it had made him to receive Viktor’s knowledge.

It was infectious, and I smiled back at him. “I can understand that. Everyone at the time assumed Celestino realized the key to unlocking your potential was a simple change in your jump order.”

“The reality was that I was taking Viktor’s suggestions to my coach, and passing them off as my own. Celestino was hesitant at first because I was never one to speak up about how my choreography needed to be changed; I always let my coach decide. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know I could do the changes Viktor suggested. I never believed in myself enough.” Yuuri scrubbed at the back of his neck, these nervous ticks made up the majority of the personality he showed to the world, but I wondered how deep it went.

“You mentioned your anxiety earlier and just now, a lack of self-confidence.” I leaned in so I could clearly see him. “Is it a simple case of low self-esteem and performance jitters, or was it something more? A deeply rooted mental health issue?”

Yuuri paused, chewing on his thumb, as he parsed my question. “I haven’t really spoken openly about my mental health in the past, but yes, I was diagnosed with anxiety right after high school. I was just a shy, nervous kid but morphed into someone whose anxiety was so bad, it was interfering with my day to day activities, especially my skating. 

“I could do my programs spot on in practice, but when the performance neared, I’d begin to overthink every mistake to a dizzying degree. My mind was focused on what was lacking. It left little of me to put into interpersonal relationships and my sleep also suffered. By the time I was about to hit the ice, I’d be a mess. The fluke would be me actually making it through my program without falling. 

“I felt so weak, and my dream of skating on the same ice as Viktor seemed further and further away. The situation made my self-worth and belief in my own skills plummet. It was put into sharp relief when I moved up from Juniors. I’d done so well there, I expected it to be the same in the Seniors.” He shook his head at his own ignorance. “When I moved to the States to train with Celestino, he tried his best, referring me to the university’s mental health clinic for aid, also working my programs in such a way to make them safe instead of challenging.

“The therapy helped to a certain extent. It gave me the tools to help me through my panic attacks and to recognize the difference between my anxious thoughts and my rational thoughts. The biggest help was when Phichit became my roommate.” 

“Oh yes, the Thai skater that came to train with Celestino as well. You’ve both have shared how much your friendship has meant to each other during your time on the ice.” 

“True. He’s my best friend and was my rock, especially during the times I was separated from Viktor. At the time he thought I was just down after the Grand Prix, even though he was my best friend and I'd trust him with my life, Viktor wasn't just my secret. His involvement with me was Viktor's secret too and I couldn't break his trust in me even to tell the person closest to me.I could see the affection and respect that Yuuri had for his fellow skater written plainly on his face. “Without Viktor’s and Phichit’s support I know I wouldn’t have made it to World’s.”

I looked at my notes. I was puzzled a bit by this. “I know you didn’t do as well as you hoped for during the Grand Prix, but you nearly always put in a good showing at Nationals as well as Four Continents. You’ve also placed in the top ten at World’s every time you went. Why would that particular loss cause you to fall so far?”

“I could feel myself begin to nose dive into not only a bad anxiety spiral, but depression as well before I went to the banquet. If my coach and my friends hadn’t kept an eye on me, I probably wouldn’t have met Viktor.” Yuuri’s eyes gazed off into the distance as if imagining a world that was vastly different. “But it seems that the fates decided to smile on me. With Viktor’s changes to my program and being driven by something other than my anxiety, I was able to take gold at Nationals and silver at Four Continents.” 

“You didn’t get gold due to JJ Leroy, isn’t that right? He was really on the rise at that time. Some thought he’d be the next Living Legend.” Yuuri’s sudden bark of laughter startled me. “What’s so funny?”

He took a breath to calm himself. “Sorry, it’s just if Viktor ever heard you say that, he’d pout and wouldn’t finish the interview. His opinion of JJ is so low that most times Viktor forgets he’s even in the Senior division.” 

I giggled a bit at this image of Viktor Nikiforov, who is always congenial during interviews with the press. “I’d actually love to see that. Were you worried about facing not only Viktor but Christophe going into World’s?”

“Where I placed, for the first time in a while, wasn’t really my top concern.” Yuuri shrugged, as if to say it should be obvious what, or rather who was occupying his mind. “To be good enough to stand beside Viktor, to see him in the flesh again, to be as good as he thought I was worked wonders to keep my anxiety at bay.”

“The World’s were held in Saitama that year. It must have been a comfort to be on home ice?”

“Yes, home country ice. My actual home ice is much further south, in Hasetsu. But yes, being back in my home country was definitely a comfort. Though my mind was almost exclusively focused on seeing Viktor again.” 

I nodded, having guessed that was his motivation. “Let’s hear about that meeting. It must have been tricky to keep yourself contained.”

“Well,” Yuuri scratched his face, looking askant. “I’m used to making myself invisible, so that wasn’t really going to be an issue. It would be the moments when we were alone that ended up causing the most trouble.”

“There's a place for us

There's a tiny little room for two

And it's crystallized in my mind, that tiny little room

With you

Only on weekends

Only on weekends, we feel the love

Only on weekends, this happens to us

Only on weekends, I have no room for anyone else, but you

For anyone else, but you”

-Weekends by Amy Shark

Yuuri paced back and forth in his small hotel room. He and Viktor had prearranged to meet in his room again and Viktor would join him after he checked in. He shook out his hands to try to release some of his nervous energy. He wasn’t sure if he was excited or scared. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been in contact since they’d parted. They messaged several times a day and set aside time during the weekend to Skype. Seeing Viktor’s expressions alongside his words made the distance shrink a little bit. 

He and Viktor had even taken their intimate relationship to another level. During one chat after they’d both finished their Nationals, they’d ended up pleasuring themselves together. Yuuri blushed at the memory. Viktor was extremely careful to only call when Anya would be out for an extended period of time. That particular instance, she had been away for the weekend to model for a sponsor. It had started out as most of their calls did: Yuuri had been listening to Viktor talk about Makkachin’s latest antics. In reality, he’d been watching Viktor’s lips move as he spoke, how his Adam's apple bobbed, and how his graceful hands moved when he talked. Yuuri was starting to get turned on. He must have stopped responding because when he looked up again Viktor was pouting. 

“Oh, um — ” Yuuri covered his face in shame. “I’m sorry, Vitya.” He peeked between his fingers, knowing his face was flushed, and it wasn’t all embarrassment. “I got distracted.” 

Viktor blinked in bewilderment for a few moments. “Distracted? By what?”

Yuuri squirmed under his gaze, as well as his growing arousal. “I — Your lips.”

Viktor’s face lit with understanding then his cheeks turned pink just as suddenly. “Yuuuuri, you’re such a tease. There isn’t anything we can do with you there and me here.”

Yuuri couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at how innocent Viktor could be sometimes. Yuuri leaned into his laptop so Viktor could see his face clearly. “Oh, but Vitya, we can do one thing together.” He picked up his laptop off his desk and settled onto his bed. He set it out far enough so the camera framed him from the knees up. He took off his shirt, followed by his sleep pants and arranged himself so that Viktor could get an eye full. 

“Yuuuuri, but I still can’t touch you.” 

Giving Viktor what he hoped was his most seductive smile, he took his half-hard cock in hand. Feeling it twitch to life under Viktor’s gaze, he began to stoke it lazily. “Why don’t follow my example and get a bit more comfortable, Vitya, and we’ll try something new.”

Viktor went slack-jawed for a moment then the camera went wild as Viktor scrambled from wherever he’d been seated to follow Yuuri’s request. The dizzying camera movements stopped suddenly, showing at first an empty bed. Yuuri could hear a rustling noise in the background and then Viktor appeared wearing only his tiny black briefs. He was still blushing but tried to look relaxed. “Okay, I’m ready, my Yuuri.” He glanced up quickly and met Yuuri’s eyes through the screen. “What — what happens now?”

Yuuri began to move his hand over his cock with more deliberate movements. He saw Viktor lick his lips in anticipation. “I want you to start by getting yourself thoroughly aroused, Vitya. Imagine my hand on your cock stroking you, and my teeth grazing your nipple.” Yuuri licked a stripe on his palm and ran his thumb across the head of his cock. Viktor’s eyes flicked down at Yuuri’s movements, drinking in the sight of Yuuri pleasuring himself. “Ah, Vitya…” He could see Viktor shiver as he moaned. “That’s it, Vitya. You make me feel so good.” Viktor took himself out of his briefs and Yuuri could see how hard he was too. There was already precum weeping out of his slit. He used it to lube his hand and moved his hand in time to Yuuri’s rhythm. 

“Yuuri — ” 

Viktor’s moan caused Yuuri to pick up his pace. “Pinch your nipple for me, Vitya. I want to make you feel so good.” He bit his lower lip at the sight before him. Viktor’s body was flushed, and even in the dim light, he could see sweat making his body glisten. “You look so lewd, Vitya. You’re doing so well.” 

Viktor preened under Yuuri’s praise, letting out a whimper as if he couldn’t get enough. Yuuri made a mental note of his reaction to use again when they were together in person. 

“Yuuri, I'm going to come.” His voice was breathy.

“Come for me, Vitya. Let yourself go.” Yuuri's words had no sooner left his lips, Viktor let lose a long moan, chanting Yuuri's name as if in prayer. Yuuri came an instant later, lost to the sight of Viktor undone before him. 

Yuuri laid back for a moment to catch his breath. His mind was blown by how good it felt. To have Viktor watch him pleasure himself and seeing Viktor come apart as well.

After that, they did it again a few more times, Viktor growing more confident and open. He practically glowed with happiness as time crept closer to World's.

Even though they didn't compete until the second day, Viktor insisted they arrive on the first day of practice. Yuuri had told his coach he was going spend the extra day catching up with his old ballet teacher, Minako, while Vikor had told Yakov and Anya he wanted to get a feel for the ice and rest up before the competition. 

“After all, I am getting older, you know, and it takes me a bit longer to get over my jet lag.” 

Yakov had just huffed and Anya had dismissed it as one of his new excentricities. 

It was 11:30 am according to his phone, and he knew Viktor had landed at 10:30. He should be here any minute. Yuuri had talked Vikor into taking the train instead of an Uber by saying it would get him to Yuuri faster. He was about to leave and stalk the lobby when he heard the faint knock at the door. In a near beat for beat recreation of the first time Vikor came knocking, Yuuri had him inside and his mouth on his in an instant. 

“God, I've missed you.” Viktor's blue eyes danced, and his face was flushed when he managed to pull away from Yuuri's lips. He ran one hand down Yuuri's chest and barely grazed his cheek with a sweep of the other. His movements suggested that he was making sure this wasn't a dream. 

“And I you.” Yuuri pulled Vikor down into another kiss, quickly opening his mouth, inviting Viktor to deepen the kiss. Ever the quick learner, Viktor tilted his head and drove his tongue into the waiting warmth of Yuuri’s mouth. He brought his hands up and buried them into Yuuri’s soft black hair, tightening his grip in his urgent need to close the remaining millimeters between their bodies. Yuuri moaned into the kiss, his own hands trying to find purchase onto any part of Viktor he could reach. Finding his hips, Yuuri grounds his own growing erection against Viktor.

“Mmmm, even though this feels amazing, I think we should move this to the bed?” Viktor rested his head on Yuuri’s forehead, sweat already making their skin slick.

Yuuri nodded, allowing Viktor to take his hand and lead him over to the small double bed in the center of the room. He gently pushed Viktor down to sit and took in the man before him. Viktor already looked undone. His silver hair was tousled and his pink lips swollen from their kiss. His rational brain was screaming at him to slow things down, that they had plenty of time, but having been apart for what felt like a lifetime, Yuuri shoved them to the back of his mind. He pulled off his shirt and let it drop to the floor. The air in the room was cool against his heated skin. Viktor scrambled to remove his socks and shoes, as well as his shirt. As Yuuri went to undo his belt, he noticed Viktor’s gaze was watching his movements with hunger in his eyes.

“May I, um—“ Viktor’s voice trembled, and his hands were gripping his thighs tightly. It seemed to Yuuri he was either too nervous or scared to ask for what he wanted.

“My body is yours, Viktor.” Yuuri gently caressed Viktor’s face, running one thumb along his plush bottom lip. “ You only need to ask.”

Viktor’s blue eyes blazed to life; they burned bright as a blue flame. He slowly moved his hands up to Yuuri’s hips, massaging the flesh at the top of his ass. He licked his lips before he spoke. “I would very much like, um, if you could talk me through it that is—“

“I would love it if you wanted to give me a blow job, Viktor.” Saving Viktor from his rambling. “Only if you’re sure that’s what you want. There are other things we can try.”

“No, I’m sure,” Viktor spoke this time with clear conviction. “I just don’t know how, and I want it to be perfect.” His eyes dropped when he finished speaking.

Tilting his face up, Yuuri placed a chaste kiss on Viktor’s lips. “I doubt you’d be terrible at anything, Vitya,” he felt Viktor shiver at hearing Yuuri using this form of his name, “but I’m right here, and I’ll help in any way I can.” Yuuri straightened and guided Viktor’s hands to the front of his jeans. “I think you know how to begin, yes?” He arched a teasing brow down at him.

Following his lead, Viktor finished unbuckling Yuuri’s belt and pulled it free of the loops. He discarded it without taking his eyes off Yuuri. He quickly undid the button and eased open the front of his jeans. Looking up to meet the warm brown eyes that looked on with unguarded want, Viktor slid his jeans down slowly until they were low enough for Yuuri to step out of them. He was already half-hard from their earlier greeting, and he felt himself twitch under Viktor’s heated gaze. 

“If you don’t speed things up, Vitya. I’m likely to cum with just your eyes on me.” He gave Viktor a playful smirk as he hooked his thumbs in his boxer briefs and tugged them off to join the rest of his clothes. Taking himself in hand he slowly stroked his cock to full hardness as he stepped into the V of Viktor’s thighs. “Are you ready, Vitya?” 

Viktor’s mouth was slack and his eyes were glassy with lust. He placed one hand on Yuuri’s hip and encircled the base of Yuuri’s cock with the other. He licked his lips to moisten them then dipped down and kissed the tip of Yuuri’s penis. Yuuri let out a soft moan as he placed an encouraging hand on the side of Viktor’s head. Viktor swirled his tongue around the head of Yuuri’s cock as he pulled the foreskin down to reveal the swollen tip. 

“That’s it, Vitya.” Yuuri's words were breathy and hot. “Now lick down the side.” 

Viktor did as instructed, running his tongue down Yuuri’s length and curling it around the underside as he dragged it back towards the head. 

“Now, take just the head into your mouth and use your tongue.” Yuuri laced his fingers into Viktor’s hair as he complied. 

Viktor’s mouth was so hot and wet, Yuuri had to hold himself back for the urge to fuck those beautiful pink lips. He let out a gasp as Viktor not only sucked hard but flicked his tongue along the slit of his cock. 

“God, I knew you’d be so good at this, Vitya.” Yuuri felt Viktor’s shudder at his praise. “Now, take in more. Be careful; no need to force yourself to take it all in one go. You can use your other hand if you need to.” 

With this last bit of instruction, Viktor was off to the races. He fit nearly all of Yuuri’s cock into his mouth, stopping just short of his hand. Then he hollowed his cheeks and sucked hard. Yuuri saw stars and nearly came at that moment.

Gasping, Yuuri tightened his grip on Viktor’s hair. “Easy. Back off on the suction a bit if you want me to last.”

Viktor audibly popped off the end of Yuuri’s cock. “But, Yuuri, I thought you had more stamina than that?” Viktor’s confidence seemed to have returned enough for him to tease.

Yuuri huffed and lightly scratched Viktor’s scalp, causing him to whimper. “Well, anyone would come quickly if they had the most beautiful man in the world giving them a blow job. Even if it’s his first time doing it.”

Viktor grinned at the compliment and returned his attention back to Yuuri’s still-hard cock. He repeated his slow ministrations, occasionally pausing to give the head some extra attention. Yuuri soon felt his balls tighten and gripped Viktor’s shoulder hard with his other hand.

“I’m going to cum. Close your eyes, open your mouth wide and relax your tongue.” 

Viktor quickly complied as Yuuri painted Viktor’s face with his cum. He stroked himself through the final pulses of his orgasm, holding fast to Viktor as his knees buckled. Yuuri sank down to the floor and rested his head on Viktor’s thigh. As he returned to earth, he felt Viktor bend down and retrieve a shirt to clean his face. 

“Oh, sorry, Vitya.” Yuuri looked up quickly, realizing he should have helped clean Viktor up. He stopped when he saw the sublime look on Viktor’s face, who leaned over and gave Yuuri a long lingering kiss. He tasted himself on Viktor's tongue as they tangled them together. 

“It's fine, my Yuuri. I'm up for almost everything, especially since I've barely done any of it.” He ran his fingers through Yuuri's hair absently as he spoke. “I didn't think that I would be as turned on by giving head, but well…” As he trailed off Yuuri noticed that Viktor was also hard.

“We can’t have that, now can we?” Yuuri purred as he rose up, shifting Vikor so he was lying half on the bed. Yuuri balanced himself above him on one hand, while the other was busy undoing the fly of Viktor’s pants, all the while keeping his eyes locked onto Viktor. Dipping down to taste Viktor’s lips, his eyelid, the pert tip of his nose, pouring the passion he had for him into each touch of his lips. As he worked his way down, he traced Viktor’s jaw with his tongue. Nipping at his pulse point, Yuuri began to ease off Viktor’s pants. He lifted his hips to allow Yuuri to slide both his briefs and pants off all at once. Viktor’s hardened cock bobbed free and dripped precum onto his stomach. 

“You really did enjoy giving head, didn’t you, Vitya.” Kneeling down in between Viktor’s spread legs, Yuuri kissed the inside of his knee, mid-thigh, and passed his swollen cock to lick a path up the V of his hip. “So, Vitya, what do you want? How shall I help you find your release?” Viktor squirmed as Yuuri traced a finger along the underside of his erection, adding a bit of pressure along the slit. 

“Yuuuuri, don’t tease me so badly,” Viktor whimpered as he clutched the sheets tightly in his fists. 

“Hmmm, what to do?” Yuuri mused as he continued to stroke Viktor with just the tip of his finger. “Do you want to see how it feels to be inside of me, Vitya?” He ceased his torment of Viktor’s cock and crawled up to look him in the face. Soft brown met deep blue and their connection sparked like a live wire. Viktor nodded, his words lost in the haze of lust. “Scoot up and make yourself comfortable against the headboard.” 

As Viktor quickly followed his instructions, Yuuri opened the bedside drawer and retrieved his first-aid kit. Viktor smiled slyly, now in the know of what it actually contained. He took out a condom and lube then closed it and tossed it back into the drawer. 

Yuuri arranged himself on Viktor’s lap, brushing their cocks against each other. “I’m going to open myself up a bit first.” Yuuri popped open the lube and poured a generous amount onto his hand. He placed one hand on Viktor’s shoulder and reached the other around to his hole. Spreading the lube around the puckered muscle, Yuuri carefully inserted his middle finger and began pulsing it in and out. 

Viktor’s hands fluttered nervously on Yuuri’s thighs as he worked the second finger in and began spreading himself. 

“If you want something to do with your hands, you can place them on my ass and spread my cheeks out a bit.” 

His face lit at being given some way to help. 

Yuuri was now up to three fingers and was panting against Viktor’s shoulder. He reached for the condom and handed it to Viktor, who managed to open it and roll it on with trembling fingers. 

Yuuri used the rest of the lube on his hand to slick up Viktor’s cock. “Okay, place your hands on my hips, and I’ll lower myself down onto you.” Yuuri rose up, lined himself onto the tip of Viktor’s erection and slowly sank down, inch by inch. 

Viktor’s fingers tightened into the flesh of Yuuri’s hips as he bottomed out. Both men’s chests moved quickly to try to calm themselves. 

“My Yuuri, you are exquisite.” Viktor pulled him in for a sloppy open-mouth kiss. “I’m finally truly connected to you, body and soul.” Tears shone in his eyes, slipping down his cheeks. 

Yuuri kissed them away as they fell. 

“Vitya,” Yuuri breathed into Viktor’s ear. “I’ve always been yours in every way.” He circled his hips, causing Viktor to gasp. “Now, let me show you.” He pulled almost all the way off Viktor, then dropped back into place. “God, you fill me up so well, Vitya.” 

Viktor twitched at the praise and popped his hips up to meet Yuuri’s rhythm. Yuuri shifted a bit, and with every bounce, Viktor nailed his prostate. 

“Yes, oh god, Vitya. You’re so perfect.” Yuuri tilted his head back as he continued to pound down onto Viktor’s cock, balancing himself now with his hand on Viktor’s thighs. “Harder, Vitya, I want you to fuck me harder.” 

Viktor slammed his hips up. Yuuri cried out at each pulse, Viktor’s name tumbling out like a mantra. 

“My Yuuri, I’m going to cum.” Viktor fisted Yuuri’s cock and pulled in time with their movements. 

Viktor came first with a guttural moan, sounding as if it was pulled from his soul. Yuuri clenched around him and swirled his hips as he came hotly in Viktor’s hand. 

They remained connected as they slowly returned to themselves. Their arms wrapped around each other and their foreheads pressed together. 

“That was—” Viktor’s voice came out as a rasp.

“ — amazing.” Yuuri finished. 

Looking deeply into each other’s eyes, Yuuri broke first and giggled, followed quickly a breathy laugh from Viktor. Their giddiness bubbled and fizzed for a few moments as they finally came down from their high. Yuuri pulled off and flopped next to Viktor, who removed the condom from his now soft cock and went to the bathroom to throw it out. He returned with a damp washcloth and wiped the lube off Yuuri and the now-dried cum on his hand. Tossing the cloth into the pile of clothes, he snuggled up behind Yuuri, whose breathing was already evening out. 

Viktor nuzzled into Yuuri’s hair, his own eyes heavy with sleep. “Spokoynoy nochi, lyubov’ moy.”

“Hey, tell me if I'm crazy

But when you come around, round

It's kind of amazing

My head goes through clouds

Above the rain and I'm never coming down down

Now that you saved me, baby

That stupid party talked outside

Walked to your place stayed up 'til 5

You'd never think a random night could change your life

I know now I've never been in love before

I know now I've never been in love before you

I know now I've never been in love before

I know now I've never been in love before you”

-Never been in Love by Cobra Starship feat. Icona Pop

Dawn’s soft hues greeted Yuuri as he made his way to the arena, a large thermos of tea clutched in his hand. Celestino had scheduled him for the first spot of the day, knowing that despite not being a morning person, Yuuri had his best practices early on fresh ice. He took extra care as he went through his warm-up and stretches. It was not that the extra cardio he and Vikor had engaged in the day before had caused him any unwanted discomfort, but Yuuri knew himself, knew his mind, that it would be better to take precautions. Any mishap would warp his mindset for the rest of the competition. Yuuri wasn't worried that Celestino would question the extra effort that he put forth in his warm-up since he had done it before after a particularly bad flight. 

They went through his short program, which had a lightness and verve that had been lacking up to now. If his coach had anything to say on what had changed, he kept it to himself, only giving notes on a few places that could be technically better. Celestino dismissed Yuuri with instructions for him to try to rest and take it easy the rest of the day and a plan to meet him at noon the next day to eat and head over to the arena to prepare for the short program. 

Left on his own, Yuuri went back to the hotel. As he entered the lobby, his eye was caught by a splash of white and red. Viktor was exiting the elevator in his Olympic warm-up suit followed by Yakov, Yuri, and Anya. Yuuri ducked his head to avoid eye contact and curled in on himself as to not draw attention as he entered the elevator. 

Finally, back to the sanctuary of his tiny hotel room, Yuuri stripped down and took a long hot shower. The hot water eased his muscles and soothed his busy mind. Meeting Viktor out in the open had set his nerves on edge. He knew he must have been beet red and completely obvious as they passed each other. No matter how much he wanted to run up to Viktor and greet him with a hug or a kiss, Yuuri knew that was never something he was going to be able to do. In the eyes of many, including his home country, the fact that they were even attracted to each other was disgusting, let alone the fact that Viktor was married. Their relationship, no matter how much joy it brought to them, was wrong. 

Yuuri buried himself under the blankets after he dressed in his comfiest clothes. Viktor had promised he'd be back after practice and lunch with Anya. Yuuri had put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, so the bedding still had traces of Viktor's scent. He inhaled the smell and his thoughts tripped back to the day before when they'd made love for the first time, falling asleep curled up together. 

He'd awoken to the light of the setting sun illuminating Viktor's hair, giving him a golden halo. Yuuri had nearly wept at the vision, of the feelings he was too much of a coward to speak. If he spoke them aloud, they couldn't be unsaid, and it would make this relationship—this  _ affair _ , something it wasn't. 

Affairs aren't meant to be happily ever after. They fill a need, scratch an itch that isn’t being fulfilled, but when it becomes a burden or boring—ends. There were strings of promises broken, kisses hidden. 

Yuuri knew that thinking about it would only lead him down his darkest path, but telling an anxious mind to not worry was like giving water to a drowning man. Yuuri was drowning, in his feelings for Viktor and the constant weight of keeping his involvement with him a secret. He hadn’t even told Phichit of the affair, and the only other person who was sympathetic to the situation was Chris, and Yuuri wasn’t sure he could confide in him. He wished Phichit had qualified for World’s; Yuuri might have found the courage to tell all and talk things out with him. 

A notification from his phone pulled Yuuri out of his head and put a smile on his face.

“ On my way to you my Yuuri! :-*”

Yuuri sat up, closed his eyes, and began to count his breaths. Reminding himself that he chose this, chose to live in the moment, chose to bring joy and freedom to a man whom he respected and admired for so long. Even if it ended with his glass heart in shards, he would not let that taint the now. By the time Viktor quietly knocked on his door, he’d regained his conviction to face whatever came at him. 

Yuuri greeted Viktor after he’d shut the door behind him with a searing kiss, which they explored until they both were breathless. 

“So, what do you have planned for this evening, my Yuuri?” Viktor had moved them to the bed and had promptly placed his head on Yuuri’s lap. “Are you going to continue to check off a few more things I haven’t done sexually?” 

Yuuri threaded his fingers through Viktor’s hair as he thought about how to phrase his answer. “I thought I could take you on a date.” 

Viktor bolted straight up with his wide heart-shaped smile on his face. He grasped Yuuri’s hands in his. “Oh, Yuuri, do you mean it?! An actual date with you!” His smile faded almost as quickly as it had come, and his eyes dropped to stare at their clasped hands. “But wouldn’t that be risky? I mean, I’d love nothing better, but…” Viktor didn’t need to finish the sentence. 

Yuuri gripped Viktor’s hands, causing him to meet Yuuri’s eyes. “Well, I am from this country, and I happen to know some great out of the way places many tourists wouldn’t normally go.” Pulling Viktor in close, Yuuri whispered into his ear, “As much as I would like nothing better than to keep you locked up in my room all night and have my way with you, we do have to compete tomorrow, and I want to face you on the ice at your best.” He pulled back to look into Viktor’s eyes. “So, what do you say? Will you go out on a date with me, Vitya?”

Eyes brimming with tears and a smile back in place, Viktor nodded vigorously, emotion clogging his throat. 

“Great! Go change into something warm, and we’ll meet at the train station.” Pulling Viktor to his feet, Yuuri steered him to the door. “I’ll see you soon, Vitya.” He gave him one last kiss before Viktor disappeared out the door.

“I see this life

Like a swinging vine

Swing my heart across the line

In my faces flashing signs

Seek it out and ye shall find

The old, but I'm not that old

Young, but I'm not that bold

And I don't think the world is sold

I'm just doing what we're told

I, feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

I, feel something so wrong

But doing the right thing

I could lie, could lie, could lie

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive”

-Counting Stars by OneRepublic

It took them a little over an hour to travel by train to reach the Hiki district of Saitama. Viktor practically vibrated in his seat the whole ride there. He had pouted some when Yuuri had told him they couldn’t even hold hands once they’d gotten far enough away from the arena. 

“But Yuuri, you said we were going somewhere out of the way so we could go on this date unrecognized. Why can’t we hold hands?” He was slouched in his seat on the train they had changed onto, his arms folded and bottom lip in full pout. 

Yuuri rolled his eyes as he smiled over at Viktor. Who knew that the posh Living Legend could act like such a child. “As I have explained, even straight couples rarely hold hands out in public. It’s just not done.” He leaned over to whisper in his ear, “though, if you’re a good boy, I could be persuaded to give you a reward when we get back to my room.” At this enticement, Viktor straightened up in his seat, his pretty pink blush painting his cheeks. Yuuri himself had to turn away to the window to try and hide his own blush. The things that came out of his mouth around this man were astounding. Phichit would have been so proud. 

“Where are you whisking me away to, my Yuuri?” Viktor asked as they walked through the city streets. It was a clear, cool spring day; though the sakura hadn’t begun to bloom yet, it was still a beautiful afternoon.

“I’ll explain when we get there. It isn’t far now.” They’d passed some larger buildings, which were beginning to thin. “Up this way, Vitya.”

They turned up a stone walk and were greeted by a large stone obelisk. Yuuri guided Viktor to the side of the stone Torii arching above them, keeping the center of the path cleared for the gods. Dividing the lines of red lanterns along the path from the lines of people headed to the small traditional building was a pair of bronze statues, great beasts with grinning snarls.

“Komainu.” Yuuri pointed to them as they passed by. “Lion dogs. They’re the guardians of the shrine.” They joined the line that was making their way closer to the building.

Viktor looked around eagerly at all of the things that surrounded the shrine. He pointed at a wooden plaque that had two figures painted on it, one red and the other blue. “Which god is enshrined here? They don’t look very pleasant. In fact, they look like monsters.”

Yuuri hid his smile behind his hand. “It’s actually a pair of demons that are worshipped as gods of victory. Students come and pray here to do well on an exam and the like.” Yuuri handed Viktor a 5-Yen coin as they moved closer to the shrine. “After you toss in your coin, you can silently ask a favor of the gods. As for the rest, just follow my lead.” Yuuri rang the bell to call the attention of the god to their prayers and Viktor copied his slow deep bows. He brought his hands together and bowed his head in prayer. 

He should be praying for victory and success at World’s, but all that came to his mind was to stay close to the man who stood beside him, his head also bowed in prayer. Even if he didn’t get the happily ever after of his dreams, if the gods saw fit to allow him to be with Viktor, he’d be forever grateful. 

He clapped twice and bowed deeply again. As he straightened, he caught sight of Viktor, who was still in silent prayer. Yuuri would give his last penny to know what favor he was asking of gods that were not his own. A few more moments passed and Viktor clapped his hands and bowed low. When he turned around, Yuuri was struck by how transcendent Viktor looked, as if he’d been shown the secrets to the universe. Yuuri smiled sweetly as they headed over to the booth that sold charms. 

“Let me buy you one, Vitya.” Yuuri handed money to the caretaker, who in turn gave him a charm for victory. “Here.” Yuuri’s heart thundered in his chest as their fingers touched. “It’s not as if you need it, but more a remembrance—of our first date.” Yuuri was sure he was blushing down to his toes. 

Taking the charm and bringing it to his lips, Viktor’s blue eyes sparkled again with that emotion that Yuuri either couldn’t or wouldn’t name. “Thank you, my Yuuri. I will treasure this, always.” 

“Y—you’re welcome.” Yuuri ducked his head and turned to head back down the stone path. “Come on, we’re off to our next stop.”

Viktor was beside him in a few quick strides of his long legs. “Am I going to be filled in this time on where we are headed?” He arched his silver eyebrow down at Yuuri. 

“I guess so.” Yuuri smiled up at him, unable to resist even a slight glance at Viktor. He was surprised he hadn’t tripped over his own feet with as many times as he’d caught himself looking over at Viktor. “We’re headed to a local ramen restaurant so you can have authentic Japanese food.”

Viktor placed his hand on his chest in mock shock. “Are you saying that I’ve had inauthentic Japanese cuisine up until now?” 

Yuuri laughed as he held the door open for Viktor to enter. Cigarette smoke and the smell of beer greeted them as they made their way inside. They found seats together at the bar and were greeted with nods by the other patrons. 

“Would it be okay if I order for you, Vitya?”

“By all means, please do.” 

Yuuri called out their order, and two cups of tea were soon placed in front of them. 

“I thought ramen establishments were mostly outdoor carts?” 

“They mostly are, but a few of the older ones are much like this, in a small corner store with only bar seating. These mostly cater to a dedicated group of locals. It reminds me a lot of my parents’ inn.”

“Your parents own an inn?” Delight was clearly written on his face. “That sounds fabulous!”

Yuuri couldn’t even begin to fathom what Viktor must be picturing. “It’s a traditional inn with onsen—hot springs. I can attest that growing up in one isn’t nearly as glamorous as visiting.” Yuuri paused as two steaming bowls of food were placed in front of them. “It’s a family business, thus the family was expected to work. Though according to Mari, I always found a way to avoid my chores.” 

Viktor chuckled, leaned over his bowl and took a deep inhale of the fragrant dish. “So what did you pick out for me?” He broke apart his chopsticks and tentatively poked at the contents of his bowl.

“This place serves Tokyo-style. It has dashi as its broth base, and pork and chicken in it. Eat up!” 

As soon as he tried the first bit of his ramen, Viktor’s eyes went wide. He stared at Yuuri for a second before eating the dish like a man who hadn’t tried a bite of food in years. He slurped the last bits of his food with gusto. 

“Vkusno!” Viktor rubbed his stomach as he pushed his bowl away. “This was wonderful. Thank you, my Yuuri.”

Yuuri felt his cheeks heat. Viktor’s expression was so tender, yet so vibrant. It was moments like this that Yuuri felt weak. Weak enough to hope, to hope that this could be something more. That the emotion that was being expressed in Viktor’s look was love. A mutual love that freed them both from their demons. 

“Anything for you, Vitya.” Yuuri reached out and covered Viktor’s hand with his own. As he went to pull it away, Viktor quickly squeezed his fingers. The briefest of pressure and then his hand was gone. “We, um, need to head back to the station.” 

“Of course,” Viktor rose from his stool and held open the door for Yuuri. “Lead the way.”

The train ride home was more subdued. The car was sparsely occupied, being well past high-traffic time. Yuuri placed his hand next to his thigh that rested close to Viktor, who looked over at him in surprise but slowly dropped his own. Yuuri gently gathered it in and they remained connected like that for the remainder of the ride. Letting the warmth of the gentle touch take the place of words. 

As they arrived back to the center of Saitama, Yuuri pulled his hand back and stood, planning to leave the train ahead of Viktor. “Why don’t we save your reward for after the short program? It will give us plenty of time to get creative.” With a wink and a sly smile, Yuuri turned and exited the train. 

“Good luck tomorrow, my Yuuri.” Viktor’s voice, though quiet, carried to Yuuri’s ears. It made his heartache with how lonely it sounded. 

As he stepped onto the escalator, he caught a glimpse of Viktor as he crossed the platform. Yuuri was struck by how different Viktor looked, no longer the vibrant force he’d been all day, but cool and detached as he had been at the banquet in Sochi. Yuuri knew now that was the armor he wore to face the world that didn’t understand him. He wished so much that Viktor could show the world his truest nature, the side of Viktor he’d come to love with all his heart. 

“ I never loved nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind

All these voices

I hear in my mind

All of these words

I hear in mind

All this music

And it breaks my heart

And it breaks my heart

And it breaks my heart

Well, it breaks my heart ”

-Fidelity by Regina Spektor


	4. (I Can't Help) Falling in Love with You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Braces for impact*
> 
> Here it is, dear reader. The hardest chapter to write as well as to read. Bring your hankies. Please don't hate me.  
REMEMBER there is more to come!!! I have chapter 5 & 6 written and just need to be worked over  
by my lovely betas, D_Toska and Dachi.  
I hope you all stick with me!! Subscribe to me to get the rest or just keep your eyes on my social media.  
Thanks again for all the lovely comments and kudos.  
PS Still gonna try to keep to Monday and Thursday posting schedule.  
See you in Part 2!!!
> 
> Enjoy!! ヽ(o♡o)/

“ Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you”

-(I Can’t Help) Falling in Love With You by UB40

Yuuri’s chest heaved as he held the final pose of his short program. He couldn’t quite remember how well he’d done, though his hands and hips weren’t stinging as they had in Sochi, so he must not have fallen. He moved towards the barrier and his coach, bending down to pick up a stuffed onigiri that someone had tossed on the ice. Celestino handed him his guards and guided him to the kiss and cry. 

“Where have you been hiding this performance, Yuuri?” The awe in his coach’s voice was clear, even over the roar of the crowd as his score was flashed. 100.25. Yuuri leaned forward and squinted at the numbers. It was at times like these he wished he had his glasses. No, that was his score. He hadn’t fallen on the ice and was dreaming about this. “Great job, Yuuri. You’ll definitely qualify for the free program. Excellent work.” His coach rose and headed out into the bowels of the arena. Yuuri rose to follow him. 

As he was about to enter the press room, he caught sight of Viktor warming up. Yuuri stopped and watched him dance through his program, a ritual that Viktor always did in order to reinforce the movements before he took to the ice. A couple of junior skaters, by the looks of them, approached Viktor as he finished. 

“Viktor, you are my favorite skater. I want to learn to do a quad flip just as good as you!” The small skater was practically jumping up and down in front of his idol.

Viktor’s smile was huge and delighted. “ How long have you been skating?”

The skater sparkled up at him at the question. “Oh, um, since I was seven.” 

“How old are you now?” 

“Oh, I’m 12. This is my first time qualifying for World’s, but I didn’t score high enough to go on.” The young skater’s expression looked crestfallen. Yuuri could see himself so vividly in the young skater with the exception of having the courage to approach their idol in person.

“I’m sure you’ll make it next time.” Viktor patted the young skater’s head affectionately. He looked up for a moment and caught sight of Yuuri looking on. “Look it’s my friend, Katsuki Yuuri.” He waved enthusiastically at Yuuri, who was trying to vanish into the shadows. Reluctantly, Yuuri gave in and joined the small group. 

The young skater gasped, “Yuuri Katsuki!? Oh my god! I love your step sequences and your spins are to die for!” Her delighted smile was directed squarely at Yuuri, who was shocked silent. “I had a fight with some people on the skating forums because I said that you were better at interpreting the music than even Viktor.” 

“Um, well ... ” Yuuri’s brain couldn’t come up with anything to say.

“I totally agree!” Viktor clasped the young skaters' hands. “I’ve been telling people that since the first time I saw him skate. He just makes music with his body. It’s like he becomes the song.” 

“Oh my god! Yes!” The young skater took out her phone and gestured to the two of them. “Can I get a selfie with the two of you?”

“Of course,  malen'kiy. Yuuri?” Viktor turned his heart-shaped smile full on Yuuri, knowing that he’d never say no to that smile.

“I’d be honored.” The young skater tucked herself in between them while Viktor held the phone out and snapped the picture.

“When you post it on Instagram, please tag me so I can follow you.” 

The poor things looked as if they were going to need an ambulance soon due to all the attention Viktor was showering them with. “Totally! Thank you both so much! Good luck with your programs!” They bounced off, gushing to each other. 

The whole event had left Yuuri reeling. He wasn’t used to being praised by complete strangers, or how wonderful Viktor had been with them. “Um, I need to ... ” He waved in the direction of the press room. 

Viktor touched his arm, gentle and brief. “Yes, Yakov will be coming to find me soon.” Dropping his voice to near breath he said, “Later, my Yuuri.” 

Yuuri watched Viktor as he headed off to find his coach then ducked into the press room. The junket passed in a blur, and as he finished talking to Morooka, a Japanese journalist who’d always supported Yuuri since his junior days, Viktor entered the press room to a flurry of camera flashes. Anya came up behind him and posed at his side as the cameras continued to blink rapidly. Yuuri, frozen in place, watched as the press began to bark out their questions. 

“Viktor, how do you feel about your performance?” 

“Viktor, do you think there are any skaters that will come close to beating you this year?”

“Viktor and Anya, how do you two make your marriage work in this day and age of twenty-four/seven gossip?”

“Viktor, what is your opinion on Japan’s Ace, since you are skating in his home country?”

The last question had Yuuri’s blood running cold. Why were they asking about him? Why would the press think Viktor would have any public opinion of him? Yuuri watched as Viktor’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, the only tell that ever broke through his carefully polished media persona. It was as if he were narrowing in on whatever had displeased him and would turn it to ashes. The din that had worked itself into a frenzy fell quiet, commanded by a single glance of The Ice Prince. 

Viktor’s voice was controlled and cold as he spoke. “I admire how one can see all of his dance training in the way he moves on the ice, but the technical aspects of his program still need work. The change in the arrangement of his jumps that took place between the Grand Prix and now is an improvement, but there is still something missing.”

“Viktor, there were pictures posted of the two of you together yesterday — ” 

“ Well, of course, I'd ask a person from here to be my tour guide. It'd be a bit silly to ask the Canadian for a tour of Japan . Next question.” 

Yuuri didn’t hear the following question, nor anything but the thudding of his heart. He felt the icy hand of his anxiety grip his chest. Yuuri couldn’t breathe. He had to leave. Finally making himself move, he fled the press room, fleeing the questions, the eyes full of judgment. In his haste, he nearly collided with Chris. 

“Mon cher?”

He didn’t wait to hear what Chris was going to ask. 

“Yuuri!” Chris shouted after him. 

The static in his mind started to consume him. Question upon question. Fear turning into terror. They knew. They had to know. Viktor’s career would be over. He’d probably wouldn’t even be allowed to go home. It wouldn’t be safe. It was all his fault. His fault for being selfish. Because he’d wanted to take Viktor out on a silly date; wanted at least the veneer of a normal relationship. He had been such a fool. A fool for wanting more. A fool for wanting at all.

A wave of nausea hit as Yuuri made it outside. He gulped at the cold night air, praying for his stomach to settle.  Yuuri stumbled back inside through the lobby and shoved himself onto the first elevator that opened. He dropped his card key twice as he attempted to open the door to his room due to the violent shaking of his hands. Once he was in the quiet darkness of his room, he bolted for the bathroom. Kneeling at the toilet, Yuuri emptied the contents of his stomach, which was mostly water and bile. He felt as if his body was trying to expel all of organs. After what felt like an eternity, Yuuri’s body ceased heaving and he panted shallowly trying to reign in some control. 

He stood slowly, not trusting his legs to fully hold his weight. He stripped out of his warm-up suit to his costume underneath. Seeing it caused Viktor’s words to ping around his head again, and Yuuri began to claw at the fabric, nearly ripping it off his body. A more rational Yuuri would have remembered the cost of the garment, how much time and effort went into it, but in this moment, this bereft Yuuri needed to shed it as if it were on fire. Burning into his skin as every touch of Viktor’s skin had, it was a reminder of how much Viktor was infused in his life. From the age of 12 when he’d first seen him skate, setting him on this journey to someday be good enough to skate on the same ice as Viktor, to the present where he and Yuuri had become entangled in this affair. 

Yuuri stepped into the shower and turned the water to the hottest setting. The pain caused by the water offset the pain still sitting on his chest and subdued, at least for the time being, the angry swirl in his mind. By the time he stepped into the chilled room and dressed for bed, Yuuri had come to a decision and sat on the bed to wait for Viktor. 

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright, because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie”

-Love the Way You Lie by Eminem feat. Rihanna

Viktor let himself into Yuuri’s room, though Yuuri took little notice until he felt Viktor’s hands gently wrap around his. He lifted his head and met Viktor’s eyes, which were filled with concern. 

“My Yuuri, what’s the matter?” Viktor head tilted to the side, looking so much like Vicchan that Yuuri almost lost his resolve.

He took a deep breath to steady his nerves and removed his hands from Viktor’s. “Viktor,” Yuuri noticed Viktor flinch at both his actions and Yuuri calling him  _ Viktor _ . “I think that we need to end this. It’s only going to lead to trouble for you and we should stop now before our feelings get involved. I hope you’ve enjoyed our time together because for me it’s been nothing short of a dream come true.” When Yuuri had finished, he realized there were wet spots on his pants. He looked up to see Viktor’s eyes were full of tears. They clung to his silver eyelashes and slid down his reddened cheeks.

An odd thought bubbled to the surface of Yuuri’s churning brain, that even Viktor Nikiforov’s crying was lovelier than it had any right to be. But why was he crying? Yuuri brushed back Viktor’s bangs that had fallen forward into his face, wanting to see if he could discern what was making him weep. Viktor grabbed his hand and stared hard at Yuuri, his face full of hurt and anger. 

This confused Yuuri even further. “Why are you crying?” He tried in vain to pull his hand from Viktor’s grasp. “This was going to happen eventually. Why not now? We wouldn’t be able to see each other until the season starts up again in the fall. By then you’ll be able to explore other options. Why not end—” 

Viktor jerked Yuuri’s hand, cutting him off. “Are you finished?” His voice was still and calm. Like a cool spring breeze or the ocean after a tsunami. His tears had all but stopped, but there were still salty tracks maring his delicate skin.

Yuuri tried again to understand what was going on. Why was Viktor not just nodding and agreeing? He didn’t think this affair was going to be something it wasn’t, that their relationship didn’t have an expiration date. “Why—“

“No, Yuuri.” This time squeezing his hand to get his attention. “It’s my turn to talk.” 

Yuuri, so shocked that his plan to calmly break things off was going horribly wrong, simply nodded at Viktor’s demand.

Viktor rose up, pulling Yuuri up with him. Viktor kept a firm grasp on his hand as if he was afraid that if he let go, he’d be lost forever. “I know that question hit a little close to home, but who cares if people saw us together? They didn't see anything. Skaters are friends all the time. We're allowed to be friendly to each other. I would appreciate it if you’d listen to me though. I don’t think you understand how serious I am about what we have here.” Again, squeezing Yuuri’s fingers, it seemed as if he was trying to imbue something in the simple pressure of skin on skin. “I’ve felt a connection to you since I first laid eyes on you, and it’s only grown stronger since. I thought you and I were on the same page, that you felt it too. I see now that I simply need to be straightforward and say what I feel. I love you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri blinked and remained silent, unable to comprehend what Viktor had just said. He wondered if he’d said something in Russian and that was the reason he couldn’t understand it. He opened his mouth to say something and then shut it again. 

Emboldened by Yuuri’s silence, Viktor charged ahead. “I think I fell in love with you, fully and completely when you asked me to dance. Even though I hadn’t shown anyone my true self, you saw me. You saw the real me. Under the mask and roles that were foisted on me, you saw the man inside.” He looked down at Yuuri’s hand, still clasped in his own. “And I loved you then. I love you now. Please, Yuuri.” 

Viktor’s voice broke on Yuuri’s name, and somewhere in Yuuri’s mind, it registered that he was hurt. That he’d hurt Viktor, but that couldn’t be true. This was just an affair, a fling. It wasn’t something you put your heart into. Viktor had to be mistaken. 

“You aren’t in love with me, Viktor.” Yuuri’s words seemed to hit Viktor as hard as if Yuuri had slapped him. “You are in love with the idea of me. I’m too broken, too messed up for someone like you. You should find someone who you can be proud to show to the world. That person isn’t me.”

It was Viktor’s turn to stare silently. His breathing had become shallow, and Yuuri was worried he’d pass out. Instead, slowly, almost imperceptibly, Viktor’s mask slowly slid into place. He released Yuuri’s hand and squared his shoulders.

“I see.” Viktor turned his back on Yuuri and put on his coat. He placed the card key Yuuri had given him on the dresser with exaggerated care and stood tall, looking deeply into Yuuri’s eyes. “You’re wrong. I love you, my Yuuri and will to my dying day. So when you’re ready to face this,” he motioned between them, “and me. Let me know.” Viktor turned his back on him again and walked out of the room. Leaving Yuuri to crumble to the floor, surrounded by the shattered pieces of his heart. 

“I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn-out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay”

-Million Reasons by Lady Gaga

**Author's Note:**

> There is a playlist for this fic here.  
Come yell at me about YOI, anime or music [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/Clarinda) or [on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clarinda0110/)


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